Age Issues and Mommy Dearest

From the title you may be thinking 'Age issues? You're 26!' because this is how most people react when I bring this up. Some people have a fear of heights or of spiders and I don't judge them. I, however, am constantly ridiculed for my gerontophobia, or fear of growing older.

A few nights ago I was lying in bed, willing myself to go to sleep. Instead, my mind seemed to go into overdrive. I started to think about my birthday, November 19, and how it is only 2 months away. Then I started thinking about how I was going to be turning 27 and officially entering my late 20s. Then I started thinking about how 27 is pretty damn close to 30....and I had a panic attack.

I am not a drama queen, I am honestly one of the most mellow people you will ever meet. In 26 years I have never had anything even remotely resembling a panic attack, but just the thought of turning 27 left me paralyzed and unable to breathe. This isn't normal.

So where did this irrational fear come from? Most 20 Somethings aren't having panic attacks over turning 27. Welcome Mommy Dearest, Norma. Or Normsie, as I call her. My mother has been 24 since before I was born and to this day I don't know her true age. You may not believe that, but it's true. As my cousins grew up and eventually surpassed her in age, we would ask "But how can Brian be older than you?" and she would say "It's a miracle" in a tone that immediately ended the conversation. Her birthday is just after mine, on November 30, but we were never really allowed to celebrate it. Sure, Normsie wanted the presents but she wanted NO mention of the occasion. None of the normal birthday paraphernalia allowed: cake, streamers, balloons, etc.

I have followed in her irrational footsteps. I used to love my birthday more than any other holiday, loving the feeling of a special day just for you. Now I am happy with a small dinner where Happy Birthday is not sung, presents are given discretely and opened in  the privacy of my own home and maybe a cupcake...but no candles! The year I turned 24 I figured I should start lying about my age also, since I was now the same age as my mother, but it didn't work! I asked Norms how she got people to acknowledge her fake, perpetual age and she told me you just have to be really mean about it for a couple of years and they will eventually catch on. This tactic has not worked for me but I am thinking I started too young and that I will launch a full blown campaign to stay 29 in a couple of years. This is what it has come down to. I always joked about my mother's inability to accept her age and celebrate her birthday like a normal person, but it seems the joke is on me. You know its time for therapy when the mere thought of your birthday gives you a panic attack...and Norms is paying.