Age Issues and Mommy Dearest

From the title you may be thinking 'Age issues? You're 26!' because this is how most people react when I bring this up. Some people have a fear of heights or of spiders and I don't judge them. I, however, am constantly ridiculed for my gerontophobia, or fear of growing older.

A few nights ago I was lying in bed, willing myself to go to sleep. Instead, my mind seemed to go into overdrive. I started to think about my birthday, November 19, and how it is only 2 months away. Then I started thinking about how I was going to be turning 27 and officially entering my late 20s. Then I started thinking about how 27 is pretty damn close to 30....and I had a panic attack.

I am not a drama queen, I am honestly one of the most mellow people you will ever meet. In 26 years I have never had anything even remotely resembling a panic attack, but just the thought of turning 27 left me paralyzed and unable to breathe. This isn't normal.

So where did this irrational fear come from? Most 20 Somethings aren't having panic attacks over turning 27. Welcome Mommy Dearest, Norma. Or Normsie, as I call her. My mother has been 24 since before I was born and to this day I don't know her true age. You may not believe that, but it's true. As my cousins grew up and eventually surpassed her in age, we would ask "But how can Brian be older than you?" and she would say "It's a miracle" in a tone that immediately ended the conversation. Her birthday is just after mine, on November 30, but we were never really allowed to celebrate it. Sure, Normsie wanted the presents but she wanted NO mention of the occasion. None of the normal birthday paraphernalia allowed: cake, streamers, balloons, etc.

I have followed in her irrational footsteps. I used to love my birthday more than any other holiday, loving the feeling of a special day just for you. Now I am happy with a small dinner where Happy Birthday is not sung, presents are given discretely and opened in  the privacy of my own home and maybe a cupcake...but no candles! The year I turned 24 I figured I should start lying about my age also, since I was now the same age as my mother, but it didn't work! I asked Norms how she got people to acknowledge her fake, perpetual age and she told me you just have to be really mean about it for a couple of years and they will eventually catch on. This tactic has not worked for me but I am thinking I started too young and that I will launch a full blown campaign to stay 29 in a couple of years. This is what it has come down to. I always joked about my mother's inability to accept her age and celebrate her birthday like a normal person, but it seems the joke is on me. You know its time for therapy when the mere thought of your birthday gives you a panic attack...and Norms is paying.

The Good Luck Chuck Phenomenon

A strange phenomenon has been gathering momentum throughout my 20s. When I try to tell people about it they say the events in question are coincidental or that I am exaggerating. While I have been know to exaggerate a tale or two I am swearing on Chanel right now that everything I write in this post is 100% accurate.

I am Good Luck Chuck.  

Well, I am a less filthy version of Good Luck Chuck.

Every guy I have seriously dated (serious enough to call my boyfriend) for the past ten years has married his next girlfriend. The very next girl they date. I can't complain, I initiated all but one of these break ups so I can't play the "why wasn't it meeeeee??" card. Seeing the engagement announcements and wedding pictures on Facebook or hearing about them through the grapevine generally don't make me sad or angry or jealous (well, maybe for a well deserved moment or two). It just feels weird that after dating me these men/boys feel the need to immediately settle down, especially since that is not on my agenda whatsoever. I am in a pretty serious relationship right now, we've been together for about three years, but I am enjoying the Kurt Russell/Goldie Hawn thing we have going on. Enough about that, you'll meet my main squeeze some other time. Let's take a look at some of the men from my past that have made me Good Luck Chuck.


Jim - I dated Jim toward the end of my senior year of high school until I went to college. While we were only together for about six months, we were extremely serious. He was a junior at a college nearby and begged me continuously to not go to school in Indiana, but to instead go to his school so we could be together. We broke up at the end of the summer and I was sad until I got to school and that adventure began. About a year later, I was hanging out with a mutual friend who informed me that he had proposed to his girlfriend. Apparently he had started dating this girl about a week after we broke up and they were madly in love.

Adam - This was my first boyfriend in college. He was a senior (so I like older men, whatever), pre-med student and he could buy me beer. He thought the relationship was much more serious than I did and I broke up with him after football season. We had very few mutual friends but I heard through the grapevine that he was just devastated and abstained from women all together for the rest of the year. Then he went to med school, met the love of his life and proposed.

Greg - We dated, off and on, throughout my college years. We got together right after I broke up with Adam (if I am going to be entirely truthful I'd have to say I broke up with Adam for Greg) and dated through the rest of my freshmen year until about Easter of my sophomore year. And then we hooked up for a while at the beginning of junior year. And then got back together for a while during senior year. Greg probably could have been The One but I guess I was too young to want to settle down with one guy (to be honest, five years later I'm still not ready to settle down). He was very bossy and had a very clear idea of what our future would look like and it wasn't really what I envisioned my future to look like.....but I won't dig any deeper. I could probably write a book on this hot mess so I'll just get back to my original point. While we 'trying to work things out' for the last time out he started seeing another girl and within a year they were engaged. This one bothered me because he was cheating on me with her and I threw up a little in my mouth when I saw the wedding pictures but I am pretty much over it now.

Danny - He was, and still is, one of the sweetest guys I have ever met. We dated for about a year and in that time period he lived with a girl I became very good friends with, Tiffany. Since I slept over there almost every night we were all very close, it was like Three's Company. Danny and I didn't work out but it was amicable and he is one of my only exes I still talk to. Shortly after our break up, Danny and Tiffany started dating and they got married earlier this summer. People were surprised I wasn't more upset when I first found out about them but they really make a much better couple than he and I ever did. I'm really happy for them.

Jay - This guy was the worst and, looking back, I can truly say that the only reason we were together is because we were there. As in, we were both living in a strange city and the only people we knew were the 50+ crowd we worked with. We dated for almost a year and then I moved back to NJ and we was going to  grad school in DC. A few days after our respective moves he broke up with me claiming 'we were just in different' places blah blah blah. Shortly after that he is back in Chicago hooking up with the girl who chased him throughout our relationship, the girl he always referred to as'The Troll'. Recently he posted their engagement pictures on Facebook and it made me want to do all kinds of psycho ex-girlfriend things. However, I rose above, kept my dignity, and took consolation in that he is very fat now.



Bonus Round!

I dated John off and on all throughout high school. He was literally the boy next door, my best friend and my first love. We broke up one final time our senior year and he started dating a very good friend of mine. This is the bonus round and cannot be counted in the list above because he never proposed to her, but they dated for 8 or 9 years.

A Sense of Entitlement

Last night I went straight from Job #1 to Job #2 and walked into one of my fellow servers ranting to anyone who would listen. Having recently graduated from college, it seems that she is now 'above' working as a server and is 'utterly ashamed' of the fact that she has to work such a demeaning job now that she has her degree. I graduated from college 5 years ago so I was both amused and irritated by her rant. 

I tried to get her to see reason. I told her that I had been working full time in my field of interest since the day I graduated but that times are hard and I have always had to work a second job. She didn't want to hear that. 

She complained about having applied to so many jobs without so much as a no thank you response. She complained about not getting so much as an interview. I made the mistake of asking her what she wanted to do. "I'd really like to get a job in journalism, like work for Marie Claire or Cosmo. Or maybe work for MTV. I don't know, something really interesting in communications."

It took everything in my power to not burst out laughing. But wait, it gets better.

"I don't feel like I should even try getting some 'in-between' worthless job if its not what I want. I'd rather get a job in the mail room of MTV and work my way up than  settle for something in the meantime."

I asked her how she planned on making money 'in the meantime' since she was so above waitressing and wasn't going 'settle' for just any full time position that came her way.

"Well my dad owns his own business so sometimes I'll just go and answer phones for the day and he'll put $300 in my bank account."

This, my friends, is an attitude I am seeing more and more of - a delusional sense of entitlement. Young 20 somethings fresh out of college are wanting to set the world on fire.....without actually having to do any work. Suddenly it is their graduation day and they are really surprised to find that Apple and Google aren't fighting over hiring them. Like, really surprised. Shocked. "But wait, I have a degree, shouldn't I have been head hunted by now?" 

So I don't want to sound like your mother but there are few things that younger 20 somethings better get through their heads.

1) Marie Claire? Cosmo? MTV? Do you really think you are the only 20 something that wants to work at any of these places? Do you have any idea how competitive it is to even get an unpaid position? And do you really think writing the social column for your sorority's newsletter makes you a journalist? This leads me to my next point.

2) No one is going to hire you without any kind of work experience. I hate to break it to you, but your social column does not constitute 'years of experience' in the journalism field. You will be lucky to get any full time position right out of college. If it is in your field of interest, great! If not, use you time there to learn about the inner workings of an office and figure out how you can leverage this position into a better one. If nothing else, you'll be getting a regular paycheck which will allow you to take the time to look for a better job and help you to become more independent.

3) Independence. This is something younger 20 somethings are becoming lazy about. They all complain about living at home with mom and dad but they are not taking steps to move out. I understand that a lot of 20 somethings are not financially able to move out and that is something that cannot be helped (unless they are waiting for an offer from Vogue, in which case get off your ass and make some money). However, many are being enabled by their parents to continue the party and put off adulthood indefinitely. This includes, but is not limited to: being given money to fill up the tank of the car that was bought for them, being given money for a 'job well done' at mom or dad's business ($300 for a day of answering the phones? What receptionist do you know that makes almost $40 an hour?), having their laundry done, their meals cooked, their rooms cleaned, etc. Cut the apron strings already.

4) You aren't 'owed' a fantastic, full time job just because you graduated from college. It is still a tough economy out there and you really need to put in the time if you expect to find a job. Apply for anything and everything in your field and remember that this is not the time to be choosy. It is great to have goals to work for Marie Claire or MTV but you need to understand that a BA in communications isn't all it takes to get there. Graduating from college is a huge achievement, but your diploma isn't a magic carpet that will take you wherever you want to go. 

5) Get real. You are no better than anyone else for getting your diploma. Most of the county has a secondary degree and last I checked there were more servers than journalists. You are not 'too good' for any job now that you have graduated and it is incredibly ego-maniacal to think so.