It's Been a While....

It has been a while, my friends. I haven't written for quite some time due to several life changing events all 20 Somethings inevitably experience: the break up with the guy you thought you would marry, moving to a new city to 'start fresh' (this was actually my 3rd 20 Something 'start fresh' move), rebounding hard, mild depression and dramatic weight loss (yay!).

My ex-boyfriend (we'll call him D) had a lot of red flags right from the start. Despite being 5 years older than me, he had no advanced education and a just above minimum wage job. He had a daughter by another woman who would ultimately become the bane of my existence. He broke out in a sweat at the mention of attending a family function with me. Nothing was ever his fault. Just a few months after we started dating he asked to move in with me 'temporarily' while he looked for a new apartment and then didn't move out for 3.5 years. Despite all of this, I loved him very much. Despite his red flags, he was a great guy and for several years I believed we would eventually marry.

While I was the one who ultimately pulled the plug on this relationship, it didn't mean I was happy about it. It didn't help that we broke up March 1st and he didn't move out until April 15th. For a month an a half I was trapped in a 3 room apartment with my ex, 46 days of guilt and sadness. When he finally moved out, I enjoyed having 'my' apartment to myself again for about 25 seconds. We had shared that apartment for 3.5 years and I saw him in every nook and cranny. It was time to move.

I moved 45 minutes up the parkway to a small city close to my job. It wasn't until I settled in that I realized I didn't know anyone here. Or where anything was. I hadn't thought about any of this before I moved because I was rebounding with the hottest guy I had ever been with. Ever. He was so insanely hot that I ignored the fact that he was a Stage 5 Clinger and wanted to marry me and have lots of babies. Well, I ignored it until I really couldn't anymore (right around the time I moved and he was talking about moving in too) and had to cut him loose.

Ok, so now I had broken up with my boyfriend of 4 years, broken up with the hottest guy ever who wanted nothing more than to be with me 24/7, and moved to a new place where I didn't know anyone or have any friends. It was a very low time for me. During this time I was susceptible to spontaneous eye leakage without the slightest provocation and spent all of my free time in bed.

This lasted for about a month. Slowly but surely I began to venture out of the rabbit hole and these days I feel mostly ok again, definitely more like myself than I have since I can remember. Over the past year I shed almost 60 pounds so it is helpful to know I am 'starting fresh' as my most fabulous looking self. I am dating, I am spending more time with girlfriends and, most importantly, I am ready to write again.

Taxes....A Cautionary Tale

At some point in our lives, most people will work for cash and get paid 'under the table'. The young are especially drawn to this kind of work, where you walk away with a fist full of bills and no real commitment needs to be made. It now shames me to say that 2 years ago I was drawn into this type of working relationship and have just now finished dealing with the consequences.

In my defense, the allure of this job was not the easy cash. I was working as a financial analyst for the government at the time and was desperately trying to find another job in the PR/Marketing/Advertising field like every other 20 Something in America. I responded to an ad for a 'Freelance Social Media Account Manager' (whatever that meant) and was thrilled to get an interview.

I met with the owner of this small, local marketing firm (which is now, shockingly, out of business) at a diner for a lunch interview. I loved his business model, his easygoing nature and of course, that he seemed to really like me. He hired me on the spot. Over the next year and a half, I updated clients' Facebook and Twitter accounts and was sent a personal check for $400 every 2 weeks.

During this time, he constantly told me that I was by far the most dedicated of all of his 'staff' (which consisted of 4 or 5 other naive 20 Somethings) and that once the business got a little bigger he would take me on full time. Desperate as I was to get out of my cubicle, I fell for it hook, line and sinker.

As I said before, he paid me in cash. When the first tax period came around, I didn't even think about it and did not claim the couple of months I had worked for him. It was the second tax period that just about ruined my life. He claimed me as an 'independent contractor' and, long story short, I ended up owing the IRS about $2,000.

And I ended up paying some idiot at H&R Block $300 to tell me I owed $2,000.

Between January and April I worked my ass off trying to get the money together but, come April 14th, I was still short. I paid $1,200 and got an extension for the rest. About 1,000 hours at the restaurant later, I paid off the rest and I feel like a boulder has been lifted off my shoulders. Learn from me, all you 20 Somethings out there. Save yourself months and months of stress and hours on your feet pretending to be nice to people for tips. No good will come from trying to cheat the tax man.

Age Issues and Mommy Dearest

From the title you may be thinking 'Age issues? You're 26!' because this is how most people react when I bring this up. Some people have a fear of heights or of spiders and I don't judge them. I, however, am constantly ridiculed for my gerontophobia, or fear of growing older.

A few nights ago I was lying in bed, willing myself to go to sleep. Instead, my mind seemed to go into overdrive. I started to think about my birthday, November 19, and how it is only 2 months away. Then I started thinking about how I was going to be turning 27 and officially entering my late 20s. Then I started thinking about how 27 is pretty damn close to 30....and I had a panic attack.

I am not a drama queen, I am honestly one of the most mellow people you will ever meet. In 26 years I have never had anything even remotely resembling a panic attack, but just the thought of turning 27 left me paralyzed and unable to breathe. This isn't normal.

So where did this irrational fear come from? Most 20 Somethings aren't having panic attacks over turning 27. Welcome Mommy Dearest, Norma. Or Normsie, as I call her. My mother has been 24 since before I was born and to this day I don't know her true age. You may not believe that, but it's true. As my cousins grew up and eventually surpassed her in age, we would ask "But how can Brian be older than you?" and she would say "It's a miracle" in a tone that immediately ended the conversation. Her birthday is just after mine, on November 30, but we were never really allowed to celebrate it. Sure, Normsie wanted the presents but she wanted NO mention of the occasion. None of the normal birthday paraphernalia allowed: cake, streamers, balloons, etc.

I have followed in her irrational footsteps. I used to love my birthday more than any other holiday, loving the feeling of a special day just for you. Now I am happy with a small dinner where Happy Birthday is not sung, presents are given discretely and opened in  the privacy of my own home and maybe a cupcake...but no candles! The year I turned 24 I figured I should start lying about my age also, since I was now the same age as my mother, but it didn't work! I asked Norms how she got people to acknowledge her fake, perpetual age and she told me you just have to be really mean about it for a couple of years and they will eventually catch on. This tactic has not worked for me but I am thinking I started too young and that I will launch a full blown campaign to stay 29 in a couple of years. This is what it has come down to. I always joked about my mother's inability to accept her age and celebrate her birthday like a normal person, but it seems the joke is on me. You know its time for therapy when the mere thought of your birthday gives you a panic attack...and Norms is paying.

The Good Luck Chuck Phenomenon

A strange phenomenon has been gathering momentum throughout my 20s. When I try to tell people about it they say the events in question are coincidental or that I am exaggerating. While I have been know to exaggerate a tale or two I am swearing on Chanel right now that everything I write in this post is 100% accurate.

I am Good Luck Chuck.  

Well, I am a less filthy version of Good Luck Chuck.

Every guy I have seriously dated (serious enough to call my boyfriend) for the past ten years has married his next girlfriend. The very next girl they date. I can't complain, I initiated all but one of these break ups so I can't play the "why wasn't it meeeeee??" card. Seeing the engagement announcements and wedding pictures on Facebook or hearing about them through the grapevine generally don't make me sad or angry or jealous (well, maybe for a well deserved moment or two). It just feels weird that after dating me these men/boys feel the need to immediately settle down, especially since that is not on my agenda whatsoever. I am in a pretty serious relationship right now, we've been together for about three years, but I am enjoying the Kurt Russell/Goldie Hawn thing we have going on. Enough about that, you'll meet my main squeeze some other time. Let's take a look at some of the men from my past that have made me Good Luck Chuck.


Jim - I dated Jim toward the end of my senior year of high school until I went to college. While we were only together for about six months, we were extremely serious. He was a junior at a college nearby and begged me continuously to not go to school in Indiana, but to instead go to his school so we could be together. We broke up at the end of the summer and I was sad until I got to school and that adventure began. About a year later, I was hanging out with a mutual friend who informed me that he had proposed to his girlfriend. Apparently he had started dating this girl about a week after we broke up and they were madly in love.

Adam - This was my first boyfriend in college. He was a senior (so I like older men, whatever), pre-med student and he could buy me beer. He thought the relationship was much more serious than I did and I broke up with him after football season. We had very few mutual friends but I heard through the grapevine that he was just devastated and abstained from women all together for the rest of the year. Then he went to med school, met the love of his life and proposed.

Greg - We dated, off and on, throughout my college years. We got together right after I broke up with Adam (if I am going to be entirely truthful I'd have to say I broke up with Adam for Greg) and dated through the rest of my freshmen year until about Easter of my sophomore year. And then we hooked up for a while at the beginning of junior year. And then got back together for a while during senior year. Greg probably could have been The One but I guess I was too young to want to settle down with one guy (to be honest, five years later I'm still not ready to settle down). He was very bossy and had a very clear idea of what our future would look like and it wasn't really what I envisioned my future to look like.....but I won't dig any deeper. I could probably write a book on this hot mess so I'll just get back to my original point. While we 'trying to work things out' for the last time out he started seeing another girl and within a year they were engaged. This one bothered me because he was cheating on me with her and I threw up a little in my mouth when I saw the wedding pictures but I am pretty much over it now.

Danny - He was, and still is, one of the sweetest guys I have ever met. We dated for about a year and in that time period he lived with a girl I became very good friends with, Tiffany. Since I slept over there almost every night we were all very close, it was like Three's Company. Danny and I didn't work out but it was amicable and he is one of my only exes I still talk to. Shortly after our break up, Danny and Tiffany started dating and they got married earlier this summer. People were surprised I wasn't more upset when I first found out about them but they really make a much better couple than he and I ever did. I'm really happy for them.

Jay - This guy was the worst and, looking back, I can truly say that the only reason we were together is because we were there. As in, we were both living in a strange city and the only people we knew were the 50+ crowd we worked with. We dated for almost a year and then I moved back to NJ and we was going to  grad school in DC. A few days after our respective moves he broke up with me claiming 'we were just in different' places blah blah blah. Shortly after that he is back in Chicago hooking up with the girl who chased him throughout our relationship, the girl he always referred to as'The Troll'. Recently he posted their engagement pictures on Facebook and it made me want to do all kinds of psycho ex-girlfriend things. However, I rose above, kept my dignity, and took consolation in that he is very fat now.



Bonus Round!

I dated John off and on all throughout high school. He was literally the boy next door, my best friend and my first love. We broke up one final time our senior year and he started dating a very good friend of mine. This is the bonus round and cannot be counted in the list above because he never proposed to her, but they dated for 8 or 9 years.

A Sense of Entitlement

Last night I went straight from Job #1 to Job #2 and walked into one of my fellow servers ranting to anyone who would listen. Having recently graduated from college, it seems that she is now 'above' working as a server and is 'utterly ashamed' of the fact that she has to work such a demeaning job now that she has her degree. I graduated from college 5 years ago so I was both amused and irritated by her rant. 

I tried to get her to see reason. I told her that I had been working full time in my field of interest since the day I graduated but that times are hard and I have always had to work a second job. She didn't want to hear that. 

She complained about having applied to so many jobs without so much as a no thank you response. She complained about not getting so much as an interview. I made the mistake of asking her what she wanted to do. "I'd really like to get a job in journalism, like work for Marie Claire or Cosmo. Or maybe work for MTV. I don't know, something really interesting in communications."

It took everything in my power to not burst out laughing. But wait, it gets better.

"I don't feel like I should even try getting some 'in-between' worthless job if its not what I want. I'd rather get a job in the mail room of MTV and work my way up than  settle for something in the meantime."

I asked her how she planned on making money 'in the meantime' since she was so above waitressing and wasn't going 'settle' for just any full time position that came her way.

"Well my dad owns his own business so sometimes I'll just go and answer phones for the day and he'll put $300 in my bank account."

This, my friends, is an attitude I am seeing more and more of - a delusional sense of entitlement. Young 20 somethings fresh out of college are wanting to set the world on fire.....without actually having to do any work. Suddenly it is their graduation day and they are really surprised to find that Apple and Google aren't fighting over hiring them. Like, really surprised. Shocked. "But wait, I have a degree, shouldn't I have been head hunted by now?" 

So I don't want to sound like your mother but there are few things that younger 20 somethings better get through their heads.

1) Marie Claire? Cosmo? MTV? Do you really think you are the only 20 something that wants to work at any of these places? Do you have any idea how competitive it is to even get an unpaid position? And do you really think writing the social column for your sorority's newsletter makes you a journalist? This leads me to my next point.

2) No one is going to hire you without any kind of work experience. I hate to break it to you, but your social column does not constitute 'years of experience' in the journalism field. You will be lucky to get any full time position right out of college. If it is in your field of interest, great! If not, use you time there to learn about the inner workings of an office and figure out how you can leverage this position into a better one. If nothing else, you'll be getting a regular paycheck which will allow you to take the time to look for a better job and help you to become more independent.

3) Independence. This is something younger 20 somethings are becoming lazy about. They all complain about living at home with mom and dad but they are not taking steps to move out. I understand that a lot of 20 somethings are not financially able to move out and that is something that cannot be helped (unless they are waiting for an offer from Vogue, in which case get off your ass and make some money). However, many are being enabled by their parents to continue the party and put off adulthood indefinitely. This includes, but is not limited to: being given money to fill up the tank of the car that was bought for them, being given money for a 'job well done' at mom or dad's business ($300 for a day of answering the phones? What receptionist do you know that makes almost $40 an hour?), having their laundry done, their meals cooked, their rooms cleaned, etc. Cut the apron strings already.

4) You aren't 'owed' a fantastic, full time job just because you graduated from college. It is still a tough economy out there and you really need to put in the time if you expect to find a job. Apply for anything and everything in your field and remember that this is not the time to be choosy. It is great to have goals to work for Marie Claire or MTV but you need to understand that a BA in communications isn't all it takes to get there. Graduating from college is a huge achievement, but your diploma isn't a magic carpet that will take you wherever you want to go. 

5) Get real. You are no better than anyone else for getting your diploma. Most of the county has a secondary degree and last I checked there were more servers than journalists. You are not 'too good' for any job now that you have graduated and it is incredibly ego-maniacal to think so. 

The Art of Waitressing

In addition to my full time job, I work a couple of nights a week at Buffalo Wild Wings. How I feel about this job varies by the shift but, on the whole, its not so bad. Slinging wings and beer to football fans is a far easier gig than serving overpriced, fancy food to the pretentious snobs at the country club I used to work at.

I'm not trying to toot my own horn, but I am a more-than-decent waitress. I've been doing it for about 10 years, if I wasn't above average by now I'd have hung up my apron. Over the years I have cultivated and eventually mastered the art of being a great waitress. This is a highly underestimated profession, most people do not realize the unique skill set it takes to do this job well. Today I am going to share my secrets for success to all of the 20 Something aspiring servers out there!

1) You have to be nice to people. You have to be nice all the time. You have to smile and laugh even when they are being so rude and hateful you want to throw Blazin' sauce in their eyes. Mastering this technique is probably half the battle.

2) Makes friends with the hosts IMMEDIATELY. These are the people that decide how many tables and the kind of people you get. If they don't like you, they will be far more likely to seat you with a family of 5 little kids who have been waiting for an hour. By the time you greet them the kids are crying, the parents are miserable and you can be sure their crankiness will affect your tip. Even worse, they can constantly sit you with teenagers who will take up your booth drinking water and sharing a basket of french fries for 4 hours. Being friendly with the hosts will ensure you get more quality tables and bigger parties.

3) Speaking of big parties, never, EVER turn on down because you think it will be too much work. This is just good economics. A table of 8 to 10 people can easily rack up a $150 check, which equals out to be $20 to $30 dollars in your pocket (depending on how good a tipper they are). Plus, most restaurants place auto-gratuity on bigger parties so you are usually guaranteed 18%. Would you rather make $30 dollars off of one table or kill yourself trying to take care of the 6 tables of teenagers demanding more water for the same amount? 

4) Make friends with everyone in the kitchen, especially the chefs, food runner and expo. In the event of a mistake, the chefs are much more likely to correct it in a timely fashion if the server is nice and polite. When the server is rude and barks orders at them the chefs may take their sweet time in getting the correct order out. If you don't have time to wait for the mistake to be corrected, the food runner and/or expo will often help you out if your are nice, making sure the corrected meal gets out the the customer as soon as possible.

5) Keep a friendly distance between yourself and the other servers. Every restaurant I have ever worked at has been full of cliques, battles and drama. You should be nice to your coworkers and help them out when you can (if you're a bitch there will be no one to help you when you need a shift picked up) but maintain a respectful distance. This will keep you from being swept up in their drama and allow you to focus on what you're there for: making money.



People often ask me why I serve when I have a full time job, or ask me when I think I will stop. Instead of telling them to f*** off for asking such rude questions  I just tell them all the same thing, "A dolla makes me holla honey boo boo chile."

20 Something

I cannot speak for 20 Somethings throughout history for obvious reasons. I can, however, speak for 20 Somethings now, in 2012. We float through our 20s trying to balance the desire to behave in a way that was acceptable a short time ago with the mounting responsibilities of adulthood. Wrapping our minds around this balance is hard enough, but it seems our bodies are rejecting us as well! Long gone are the days of being able to drink all night and still make it (semi-coherently) to our 9 AM class. Now the hangovers are worse, the calories from those sugary cocktails go straight to your ass, and it is a nearly impossible feat to make it to work on time and in a respectable fashion.

Who said adults needed less sleep?

The further I venture into my 20s the more sleep I need! The recovery time after a night of drinking seems to have quadrupled. Should I indulge in a few cocktails (considerably less than what used to constitute a night of drinking) it isn't unlikely that I will spend the whole next day in bed, getting up only to dry-heave, put my feet on the floor to slow down the spins, and drink Gatorade.

20 Somethings are also having a hard time economically. I am lucky in that I have had full-positions since the day I graduated, but I have always had a second job to get by financially. Many are not so lucky and curse the $100,000 in loans they took out to go to college, only to be working part-time or still interning 5 years later. Many go back to school, putting off the job search until more jobs are available and hoping their advanced degree will give them an advantage. Most still live at home, using what they would spend on rent to chip away at their mountain of debt. While some are lazy, spoiled, or have an unrealistic sense of entitlement, the majority of us are doing what we have to do to get by.

20 Somethings struggle with relationships. Many of us are putting off marriage and having kids until our careers are (somewhat) on track. This isn't stopping us from having relationships (or flings...or dates...or one night stands) but it is extending the period of being able to date inappropriate people. We don't feel the pressure to settle down with Dave the accountant, buy a house and pop out 2.5 kids by the time we are 30. Instead, we are having fun pursuing the hot bartender who doesn't have a checking account. Maybe this isn't really a struggle, since (lets be honest) the inappropriate guys are always way more fun, but there is a problem. 20 Something women are always (at least subconsciously) on the prowl for The One. We all want to be Samantha Jones but deep down inside, most of us are Charlotte Yorks. So now we are dating inappropriate guys and trying to turn them into The One, which is an exhausting and frustrating process (for both parties) that will inevitably end in tears.

Putting off marriage and family starting has also lead to a huge increase in unmarried couples moving in together. This has been a societal taboo basically since the beginning of time and so now we have the added stigma of being a generation that can't commit. In our defense, the cost of living is at an all time high and salaries (at least for us) are at an all time low. If we want to move out of Mom and Dad's house we can either get a roommate and relive our years of living in the dorms or shack up with whatever inappropriate guy  we're dating and hope he can cover his half of the rent.




I know 20 Somethings are dealing with a lot more, these just seemed to be the most looming issues. What are you struggling with the most right now?